and here you are.
[dropcap custom_class=”normal”] The lives that we each choose to live are like the contents inside the pages of a book. Each time we fully immerse ourselves in those pages, we come to dis-cover something more about the deeper Truth inside ourselves. Perhaps the greatest thing about a book is that each time it is consciously revisited, it is as if a new You is reading it. And again, we grow and grow and grow into something larger than who we once thought we were. Well, welcome to these pages. Maybe you’re just here because you’re curious about my story or maybe you’re truly here because some part of you knows that you will come to find a piece of yourself in it.
Meet me in my past life
Passion, Audacity, Heart, Hustle, and Goof are five words that described my personality quite well. I was the kind of person that looked like she was in love with her life. I was passionately curious about almost everything I engaged my senses with. As a matter of fact, I often spent my days smiling so much that part of my nightly routine involved massaging my jaws. Ouch.
W h a t I t F e e l s L i k e t o H a v e E v e r y t h i n g
Half African-American born in Vietnam, from forced early 3 am walks to the fields to find food, from bullied, criticized, abused because of her skin color, to being brought to America by the US, to meeting my father, to giving me birth, to being the motivation in my life— My mother is my heroine. Half Indian born in Vietnam from selling cigarettes at the age of 11, eating plain rice mixed in water with dirty bare hands, to immigration to America, to being named top employee of a private company, to named successful business entrepreneur in the Massachusetts newspapers, to building me and my siblings a beautiful cozy home, to crafting my own room and bed, to being the man I confided in who gave such great inspiration and lessons about life— My father was my absolute hero. [spacer] This special young lady was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 17. Growing up, she was the one to introduce me to God, long deep, passionate talks about life, who taught me to take risks, who taught me the importance of daring adventures, who taught me what harsh compassion looks like, and miraculously beating the battle of leukemia twice— she taught me the beauty of what it means to Live—my cousin Lyna Nguyen is the inspiration of my life. [spacer] This man since the end of middle school, from crushing, to chasing, to commitment, to distance, to long term, taught me what True Love is and what True Love is not— he was the love of my life. [spacer]
I felt grateful to be surrounded by so many great influences. I felt like I had it all.
or so that’s what I thought.
W h a t I t F e e l s L i k e t o H a v e N o t h i n g
People change and brokenheartedly, my father was one of them. During high school, he decided he wanted time away to himself. We’d still see him and talk to him here and there. Fast forward to college, he decided to turn away for good. And for quite some time, I heard nothing. [spacer] My beautiful cousin? During summer of 2010 right before entering my first year of college, I had received a life-murdering phone call. From naked midnight runs in thunderstorms and arguments that turned into hilarious laughter, there would suddenly be no more. Lyna’s fight through leukemia eventually came to an end. And when she soared to paradise, my spirit soared with her. [spacer] As for my six year relationship, it eventually crumbled for good during my sophomore year.I was a lost soul. I felt unworthy. I felt forsaken. I lived every moment of my life hiding behind a fake smile and a rather well crafted show. I liked to look strong so no one knew how hard it was to breathe at night. I couldn’t understand what was happening or why it was happening to me. “Why me?” “Why me?” “Am I not good enough? “Where is everyone?” Why do I feel so alone right now?” “What did I do to deserve this?” were the questions invading my head. These questions turned to darkness and that darkness turned to demons.
S e l f D e s t r u c t i o n
[spacer] I didn’t want to grieve, I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to feel. So partying and intoxicating my body with alcohol was my temporary vacation. Suddenly stuffing my face with pizza that I barely enjoyed and bags of chips became my comfort. Then up an unhealthy 30 lbs I go. [spacer]
E n o u g h is E n o u g h [.]
I sought for help from several medical professionals but the best answer they could give was anti-depressants.
I didn’t want to put myself through medication because I knew I could find a way to heal on my own.
I was tired of living to exist. And more critically, I was tired of dying.
“I turned myself into this mess, so I can turn myself out.”
Instead of going out with friends or partying, I dedicated time reading hours and hours of books, writings and content about fitness and nutritional healing. March 2012, I began my quest to fully immerse myself in the responsibility for my well being. I ditched the dense italian pastas, the cheesy stuffed burgers, the fully loaded baked potatoes, the cajun french fries, the bags of spicy crispy chips, the boxes of flavorful cereals for home made juices, whole and clean entrees closest to the source, delicious nutritionally dense foods, and refusal of any kinds of alcohol.
I felt rejuvenated. I felt purified. I felt like I was on to something.
Before I knew it, I was re-training my senses, my mind, my body, my outlook on life. I wasn’t only changing my senses, I was changing my lifestyle, I was changing my life.
My full time commitment to healing myself became my full time passion for Self care.
From navigating and understanding different eating platforms, food sources and training regimens, not only did I cleanse the toxins in my body but slowly and slowly, I also cleansed away the toxins in my thoughts. December 2012, a profound inner transformation began to take place.
T h e B r e a k t h r o u g h
Naked. I just wanted to be naked. I just wanted to spill my naked soul out to the world. The painful parts, the happy parts, the sad parts, I wanted to let it all out there. I was slowly waking up to it and out came my wake up call published under the title 24 Hour Wait Loss. The poison was leaving.
I felt elated, a greater change was happening inside of me and it was a working miracle. The spiritual journey was about to unfold. Summer of 2013, on the same day of the 3 year anniversary that Lyna passed, was the date of the world fitness and beauty show in which I allowed myself to just breakthrough . I finally understood the peace made in her death, and I was brought closer to my Spirit as I began to face my fears.
[blockquote]But little did I know, facing your fears does not mean conquering your struggles, facing your fears means conquering yourself. [/blockquote]
I became my own hero, my own inspiration , my own lover, and more importantly, my own Self.
I no longer felt separated from the world, but I felt the world inseparable in me.
After overcoming such experiences and meeting the deepest core of my true Self, I spent the rest of 2013 processing, understanding, reading and reflecting on the experiences. I was introduced to the American Meditation Institute where under the guidance of my spiritual teacher Leonard Perlmutter, I began to learn the power of meditation and the allied disciplines of Yoga (union) Science which brought about a profound transformation in who I am today.
Resting in stillness, understanding the mind, meeting with the Spirit, and hearing from the Soul, I exhaled.
It all makes sense.
I Am Alive.
People often ask me, how am I so happy and how do I continue to look so much in peace — Without remembering that without darkness, there is no light. The bright smile that you see on the face comes from knowing pain. And the peace that you feel in the presence comes from knowing disaster. The essence of the core Being and the lessons learned does not come from the teachings of books, courses, or even higher education —-it comes from Life.
[spacer] The hurricane that occurred inside of me was not unique to me, it was also happening in the body of the world where each and everyone of us play an important part in healing the consciousness of our human evolution.
Do you feel at peace or are you deeply distraught?
Are you doing what you love?
Are you Living or are you Dying?
[blockquote]When you meet your Calling in life, answer it[/blockquote]
Unless we can stand as a being of peace and contentment in our innermost Self, then we are not ready to carry out our gifted deeds in the world.
Together, we can give rise to a new healing consciousness.
So find the part of yourself that belongs to You.
What is it?
I serve by speaking and writing about self care practices for healthy living. I hope to transform the collections of such experiences into more pages of books to leave with humanity. Because no matter where we go, we always go back to the beginning.
In love and light,